Things To Know If You're Vegan (Now With Edit!)

So, the vegan thing. (I caved on caffeine. After the past two weeks, where I have had to spend every working moment in the presence of my crazy-ass students (whom I love, but who make me feel like I need a nap), I realized that being half-asleep and cranky was not going to cut it. So. I'm drinking tea, not coffee, which I guess is at least SOMETHING.)

I was thinking it would just be a February thing, but:
1) It's really not that difficult.
2) I'm trying new recipes, which is good because I was in a Food Rut.
3) I definitely FEEL better.
4) I am reading Eating Animals by Jonathan Safran Foer. And...yeah. I can't decide if I'm glad I know what slaughterhouses are like and how the meat processing system in the US works, or if this is one of those "ignorance is bliss" kinds of things. Because I LOVE animals. I coo over all animals, from hippos to goats to naked mole rats to cows to platypuses (platypi?). I love them and I want them to come live in my bathtub. As such, I feel like a Really Bad Person to know that I am participating / helping to fund / supporting such a mean, sad, cruel industry. For instance: did you know that many egg-producing chickens labeled "free range" are still de-beaked very early on in their lives and that "free range" can still mean a sad, sad pen, and not the pretty sunshiney green field pictured on the egg carton / that you were picturing? Ain't that some PETA shit?! WHEN DID I BECOME ONE OF THOSE OBNOXIOUS PEOPLE? And yeah, I could buy organic meats and eggs and milks from family farms, but a) I can't really afford it, and b) I don't value meats / eggs / cheeses / milks that much. I mean, I can do without them.

So. In all my infinite I-Have-Been-Vegan-Like-Three-Times-Now wisdom, here are some ponderances:

Strawberry Pop-Tarts are vegan. Re-read that. Seriously. I'm not fucking with you. When we were vegan in CA a few years ago, we used to get stoned and spend like $5 in quarters buying package after package of strawberry Pop-Tarts out of the vending machine in Boystown and then smashing them into our mouthholes.

Don't limit yourself to tofu. I mean, you can if you want, but it gets old. Seitan, tempeh, textured vegetable protein (TVP) and the like are your pals. Branch out! Try some new shiz!

Make a whole whack of rice / quinoa at one time. Use as needed. It's not like it's hard to make either of these things, but boiling rice every day is bleh and tedious.

While most products have a disclaimer below their ingredients list that says "CONTAINS MILK INGREDIENTS" or whatever, not all of them do. Read carefully if there is no disclaimer. Make sure you know what alternate names animal ingredients have. Example: whey protein = milk = not vegan.

Soy cheese is, for real, not that bad. I don't recommend eating it by itself, unless you are either a) stoned or b) really craving some freaking cheese, but melted on pizza or on a sandwich--it's pretty decent.

Lots of things are easy to veganize. Example: the muffins I made yesterday. They could have been easily made with milk and eggs, but once you sub in soy milk and vegan eggs (I use 1 heaping tbsp milled flaxseed and 1/4 c. water per needed egg), it's not so bad. This goes for pretty much anything you bake, pancakes, waffles, etc.

Also, lots of things are surprisingly vegan. See the aforementioned strawberry Pop-Tarts. Grocery shopping the first few times will take you a million years because of all the label-reading, but once you figure out what is vegan and what you like and where to find it, it's really not that hard.

That said, eating out is a pain in the ass. It just IS, unless you are at a vegan restaurant or at a place that is kind enough to say VEGAN on the menu. You WILL be That Person asking a ton of questions. It's okay. Get used to it. Your server will totally forget about being irritated by you once you a) leave them a good tip (which you should do anyway) and b) leave the restaurant and are replaced by a tableful of even MORE annoying people. Plus, there are actually a lot of more-than-halfway-decent vegetarian / vegan restaurants out there. Hop on Yelp! ad you'll be surprised.

I think seitan is pronounced "satan," and if that is the case, that is hilarious. When you are eating lunch and someone asks what you are having, and you say, "I am having satan and rice and this nice kiwi," you will get some serious side-eyes and it's funny.

Stock up on frozen veggies. Chopping is tedious.

I'm kicking myself, because I bought these meat substitute deals to pack in my lunches last week and for the life of me, I can't remember the name of them. I will figure it out when I get home. Anyway, these things are GREAT. I've been packing a layered combination of quinoa, spinach, and one of these meat thingys, which also come with SAUCE. Microwave for 2 minutes and voila! Easy! You will not miss chicken!

***EDIT**** The company is called Gardein and they make a TON of stuff. So far I've tried both the Santa Fe Good Stuff and the Tuscan Breasts, and both are SUPER GOOD.

You don't need as much protein as you probably think you do. And don't overdo the protein and then underdo the vegetables / fruits, because then you will be constipated and YIKES.

I guess vitamin B12 isn't found naturally in plant sources, so get yourself a good multivitamin. OR: drink those 5 Hour Energy things, because one serving of that mess contains 8333% of your RDA of B12.

Get yourself a good vegan cookbook. I highly recommend anything and everything by Isa Chandra Moskowitz; I got Vegan With a Vengeance for my birthday a few years ago and it's full of good, easy, cheap-to-make eats.